Archive for July 2nd, 2011

The Myth of the “Happily Ever After”

Posted on July 2, 2011. Filed under: At Random, Marriage |

Last night was another first for me. I witnessed domestic violence as it happens at the sidewalk of P. Hernaez around 730pm. We were having dinner at our favorite spot beside Chamber Fire Brigade Headquarters when all of a sudden a couple passed by arguing loudly that it was inevitable for us not to notice. The wife was frantically dragging the husband while screaming profanities at him, and take note, it was raining cats and dogs. Based on the wife’s dialogue, she caught the husband in one of the beerhouses at the local market drinking with a GRO/waitress, in other words playing bachelor. She was uncontrollably hysterical that the rest of us can’t help but nose around as the “loud match’ continued. After about 30 minutes, I was shocked when the husband grabbed the wife, gave her a punch on the stomach and as the wife lied down, he jolted her like she was an animal! The rest was history, we called the police but maybe they got the hunch that authorities are coming so they immediately dispersed and maybe continued the brawl somewhere else.
It got me thinking again. What does it take for married people not to engage in violence and humiliation? Let’s try to backtrack a bit.
What exactly is the essence marriage? A lot of perception has been generated and I guess the authorities have their own basis on their declaration. For instance, Edvard Westermarck defined marriage as “a more or less durable connection between male and female lasting beyond the mere act of propagation till after the birth of the offspring. Another one is from Edmund Leach. Leach expanded the definition and proposed that “Marriage is a relationship established between a woman and one or more other persons, which provides that a child born to the woman under circumstances not prohibited by the rules of the relationship, is accorded full birth-status rights common to normal members of his society or social stratum”. They have this principle that marriage = procreation.
Well, I am no philosopher but I did learn my lessons as I coursed my way along Failed Relationships Ave. I agree that marriage is more fruitful when kids join the fun. But let’s not go into that. Let’s just try to ponder on the two main characters, the man and the woman who indulge themselves in the many bounties of marriage.
After the honeymoon stage and the bed of roses, come the reality of fully knowing the person you’re spending your whole life with. It is the time where you start noticing unlikeable things that before you thought were funny and amusing. Then adjustment enters to come up with strong and harmonious relationship.
In the case of the couple who preferred to be tagged as “Streetfighters”, I am not really sure whether they were both sick with each other or they just ignored the reasonable option of just sitting down to discuss their differences. Bottom-line? If you’re sick and tired that you feel your marriage is hopeless, just walk out the door.
I never agreed on the common practice that couples stay together for their children’s sake and just play blind on extra-maritals whenever they can. I believe that the kids will never have a balanced environment with fake happy parents. Let’s not undermine the young ones’ capacity in detecting what’s true and not. That’s a common mistake from way back. My parent’s generation thought it was ok with us everytime both parties were not talking, or every time we would detect conflicts in the household. For the children’s sake is just an inexcusable excuse.
So I would often advise lamenting wives and exasperated husbands (only for those who ask for it), is to do a self- check. Common questions would be:
• Am I willing to clear things out with my partner and come up with a good compromise?
• Am I willing to accept the consequence of the adjustments?
• Am I willing to give full support in order for the change to transpire?
If you are saying yes to all these, then the marriage is worth a try. If there is a no, think again because you might be wasting years for nothing. Remember, marriage is not only marrying the right person, but being the right partner.